


Swedish Made

by dendriticgold



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 06:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4468604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dendriticgold/pseuds/dendriticgold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Posting this little bit of sillyness here as closing down my tumblr for productivity reasons! Jimmy-centric crackfic based on the Swedish-made 'you-know-what' enlarger pump scene from Austin Powers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swedish Made

It was slim-pickings that morning from the post basket. A half a dozen letters (not much split between over twenty staff) and one parcel.

All eyes were fixed on the parcel as Daisy concluded handing out letters round the breakfast table.

She plucked the parcel from the basket. It was a long rectangular box, about the length of her forearm, wrapped in scuffed white paper.

Everyone tried to make a show of being indifferent as to whether or not the parcel was for them. However there was a distinct rise in tension the longer Daisy stood staring at writing scrawled on its side.

She turned the parcel first one way, then the other, squinting desperately.

‘If I might…’ Mr Carson rose from his seat and held out his hand.

Daisy quickly handed the parcel to him. After a nod of dismissal she quickly retreated with the basket back into the kitchens.

‘Right…’ Mr Carson at first held the parcel nonchalantly at arm’s length. But he was soon obliged to bring it right to his eye line and squint as Daisy had done to identify the intended recipient.

The staff waited with baited breath. Several leaned a little further forwards over the table in anticipation.

Thomas, for his part, lit a cigarette and stared lazily in the opposite direction. His attention taken by a fly buzzing by the high window.

‘Ah!’ Mr Carson finally announced. ‘A “Mr James Kent” I believe…’ He said sourly. He immediately shot a dark look in Jimmy’s direction by way of silent scolding for him having to go to such effort on his behalf.

Jimmy blinked in surprise, but quickly rose from his seat, hand out to receive it.

Mr Carson thrust the parcel in Jimmy’s direction, but before he could take it the base split; spilling the contents.

There was silence in the room as a cyclindrical glass object, rubber tube, and small metal t-bar clattered onto the table top.

The sound drew Thomas’s attention back to the table. The moment he spied the items he stilled, cigarette held precariously between two fingers.  He stared silently for a moment before turning his highly piqued attention to Jimmy.

Jimmy, for his part, was caught between staring at the object in the middle of the table with eyes like saucers and looking towards Carson in fear.

While he may not have appreciated the full implications, the size of the cyclindrical glass object had Mr Carson directing a very unamused look in Jimmy’s direction.

‘Mr Carson I…’ Jimmy said, clearing his throat with a gargled cough. ‘…I have no idea what that is.’

Mr Carson pursed his lips as he reached gingerly into the open parcel and extracted a small bundle of papers.

Mr Carson sniffed, ensuring he had a full set of air in his lungs (and the attention of everyone in the room) as he read.

‘One…Swedish-made…penis enlarger pump…’

How he managed to get the words out without cracking beggared belief.

Shock held the rest of the room’s occupants in silence.

‘That’s definitely not mine.’ Jimmy said quickly, jabbing a finger towards the thing that had finally stopped rocking against the surface of the table where it had fallen.

Carson placed the first bit of paper down onto the table and moved on to the second.

‘One receipt for ‘Swedish-made penis enlarger pump’…made out to a Mr James Kent.’

From somewhere down the end of the table there was the sound of a soft ‘Oh’ as one of the slower occupants caught up.

That was enough to send Thomas’s lips curling between his teeth, cigarette forgotten, as he tried desperately, along with the rest of the room, not to laugh.

‘Mr Carson…’ Jimmy said, working immeasurably hard to continue addressing Mr Carson in the proper tone, as though they weren’t a Swedish-made penis enlarger pump out for all and sundry to see on the dining table. ‘I understand what this looks like, but I assure you that’s not mine. I mean why would I…?’ At a very pointed warning look from Carson, Jimmy was forced to abandon that particular line of reasoning. ‘I…’ He tried again. ‘I would never order something like this.’

Thomas, like everyone else, watched Carson lay the second piece of paper down onto the table and raise the third.

‘One order form…for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump…written and signed by a Mr James Kent.’

A forlorn sound emitted itself from Jimmy’s throat.

Across the room one of the hallboys finally lost the battle against hysterics. His burst of laughter set off near half the room. The distraction allowed Thomas a quick snort behind his hand while pretending to light another cigarette.

A delightful shade of puce, Jimmy snatched up the objects on the table and was out the door in seconds.

Carson silenced the hysterics with one sharp cough, but amusement continued to hang in the air and no one spoke for the remainder of breakfast for fear of setting it off again.

 


End file.
